People pleasing is not about being “kind”
I recently posted a quick video on people pleasing on social media that seemed to resonate with people. I often talk about people pleasing, because it’s something I’ve been working on personally.
I’ve discovered that people pleasing isn’t really about being “nice”, it’s actually unkind. Stick with me.
I’m not talking about being easy-going or being able to compromise. There needs to be give and take in every relationship. I’m talking about regularly giving up what matters to you, to avoid conflict, to belong and to stay connected.
When we say “yes”, but we mean “no”, we’re not being nice to ourselves or others. I often repeat to myself: “Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.” (Thank you Brené Brown for your infinite wisdom)
People pleasing is about staying comfortable, and it is rooted in trying to control what other people think about you. We often go along to get along, but then build up resentment or anxiety. We avoid what makes us uncomfortable, which in turn hurts relationships. And it’s ultimately not kind to ourselves.
My goal with people pleasing is to be a more direct communicator. I’ve realized that by being more direct with others, and enduring what I call “hard conversations”, I am actually taking better care of my relationships.
If you struggle with people pleasing, I encourage you to reflect on these questions:
Where in life has conflict brought you closer in relationships?
How has people pleasing trained others to treat you? How would you like to be treated?
Where does anger or resentment live in your body when you feel overlooked or not considered?
If you struggle with people pleasing, you’re not alone!
Until next time,
Haley
Enneagram Types as Animals
When I’m first introducing the nine Enneagram Types, I like to associate an animal with each type. While these types aren’t Enneagram official, they can help new students of the Enneagram remember each type.
So, what is your Enneagram animal type?
Enneagram Type 1 - The Bee
Just like the bee, an Enneagram 1 is hard-working, detail-oriented and focused.
Bees work systematically and consistently on their hives, making neat rows of perfectly shaped honeycomb.
They are active and extremely productive, and all about order and results.
Enneagram Type 2 - The Dog
Just like the dog, an Enneagram 2 is patient, loving and relational.
Dogs are warm, friendly and seek out affection.
The people in their life are their world.
Dogs have a tendency to be people-pleasing, sticking with those that they love no matter what.
They often sacrifice their own comfort in the hopes of attaining affection and appreciation.
Enneagram Type 3 - The Fox
Just like the fox, an Enneagram 3 is focused, ambitious and charming.
Foxes are clever and quick animals that adapt quickly.
They can use their charm to lure others in to achieve what they want.
They tend to be solitary animals that are constantly in motion. Beautiful and determined, they rely on their sharp minds and engaging personalities.
Enneagram 4 - The Cat
Just like the cat, an Enneagram 4 is perceptive, individualistic and moody.
Cats are intuitive and beautiful.
They often keep relationships on their own terms; they can be affectionate and playful one minute, or detached and independent the next.
They are very atune to their environment and spend a considerable amount of time on their grooming.
Enneagram Type 5 - The Owl
Just like the owl, a Enneagram 5 is wise, observant and enjoys solitude.
Owls represent wisdom, with an observant and watchful eye.
Both curious and cautious, they make thoughtful and intelligent decisions.
They can be withdrawn and mysterious, as they are comfortable with independence.
They can be easily overwhelmed, preferring to hunt at night when the chaos of the world has subsided.
Enneagram Type 6 - The Meerkat
Just like the meerkat, an Enneagram 6 is watchful, cautious and loyal.
Meerkats live in groups, watching over each other and remaining alert at all times.
They constantly scan the horizon for danger and will alert others when they feel threatened.
They are reliant on each other, working as a group to raise and protect their young.
Enneagram Type 7 - The Monkey
Just like the monkey, an Enneagram 7 is playful, curious and adventurous.
Monkeys are resourceful, social and mischievous.
They are constantly in motion, moving from one thing to the next and easily distracted.
They are social and talkative animals, that enjoy spontaneous fun.
Enneagram 8 - The Lion
Just like the lion, an Enneagram 8 is strong, protective and powerful.
Lions show extreme bravery and act as leaders in their pride.
They are not afraid of a challenge and fight with ferocity.
They can be very protective of their territory and young.
Lions have an array of facial expressions and body postures that command attention.
Enneagram Type 9 - The Elephant
Just like the Elephant, a Enneagram 9 is wise, steady and protective.
Elephants show extreme compassion for their young, and go to great lengths to protect the vulnerable - both inside and outside of their tribe.
They can be stubborn and unmoveable, but when they get going they bring strength and might.
Until next time,
Haley
How to find your Enneagram Personality type
You’ve heard about this Enneagram thing…but is it just yet another personality test?
No! The Enneagram offers a really unique approach to understanding your personality. There are nine main types, but within that are wings, triads, subtypes, stances and so much more. But I’ll get into all that another time.
For now - where should you start?
To test or not to test?
One of my most frequent questions is whether or not it is a good idea to take an Enneagram test to figure out what your type is. My answer - yes and no.
There are a myriad of online tests to help you find your primary Enneagram number. Some are quick and free, others are much more in depth and can be expensive.
I suggest to all of my clients and anyone looking to begin studying the Enneagram to take a test, but use that as a starting point. Tests can be helpful to narrow down our top 2 or 3 types, and even help us eliminate what types we aren’t.
However, the test aren’t an absolute. Many people, including myself, will take a test and go solely off of that, but they are often misleading. If you take a test, look at the top 2, 3 or even 4th numbers and begin looking in depth at each of the descriptions.
One other caveat is that is extremely important to take the test from the perspective of yourself in your 20’s (if you aren’t currently in your 20’s). In our early to mid-2o’s, we typically have fully formed personalities but we don’t have a ton of life experience yet, so you will get a really accurate picture of your personality.
What test do you recommend?
If you are looking for a free and more simple test, I suggest you go to Your Enneagram Coach. I received my Enneagram Certification through Beth McCord’s program, and it’s a great test.
If you are looking for a bit more and don’t mind paying, I would take the IEQ9 test. This one is more in depth and the type descriptions are very helpful.
I took a test, now what?
I offer individual Enneagram typing sessions if you need more help determining your Enneagram number. If you feel confident that you’ve figured out your type, we can start coaching sessions to learn all about your type!
Or, you could study the Enneagram on your own. But how much time do you have? :)
How to Love Each Enneagram Type
How to love each Enneagram Type best
Each Enneagram Type expresses and receives love in different ways. Knowing how to best love the people around you can help build better connection and depth into your relationship. In honor of Valentine’s Day week, here are some simple ways to love each other well according to Enneagram Type.
Enneagram 1: The Reformer
Rest: Enneagram 1 types tell me they can struggle to relax and settle down, especially when things feel unfinished. Encourage them to rest by stepping up taking action to alleviate them of some responsibility.
Hear Me Out: Enneagram 1’s hold strong opinions about things and will want to know that their voice is heard. Give them your attention and consideration of their point.
Loyalty: Show up, be consistent and back them up.
Feedback: One of the biggest challenges for Enneagram 1’s is dealing with their relentless inner critic. Offer feedback gently and remember that they are extremely hard on themselves.
Honor Shared Spaces: A common relationship dynamic with Enneagram 1’s is feeling like they are the “adult” in the relationship. Do your part to honor shared space, they will receive it as a sign of respect.
Enneagram 2: The Helper
Appreciation: Enneagram 2’s need to hear that the loved ones in their lives appreciate them. Noticing all of the little things they do to help others will mean a lot to them.
Verbalizing Feelings: While Enneagram 2 type are very good at reading the feelings of others and empathizing with them, they have a much harder time figuring out their own feelings, so ask them!
Affection: most Enneagram 2’s are affectionate toward others, and love receiving it as well!
Verbal Processing: Enneagram 2’s don’t know what they think about something until they verbalize it out loud. Be patient with the process.
Friends: Relationships are the most important thing to 2’s, be sure that you get to know the important people in their life.
Enneagram 3: The Achiever
Tell Me I’m Hot: Give Enneagram 3’s a boost by letting them know what you find attractive about them.
Don’t Interrupt: When Enneagram 3 types are focused on something, avoid interrupting them. Instead, clarify when they are available to honor their time.
Slowing Down: Enneagram 3’s might need some encouragement to slow down. Plan or schedule times for rest and connection.
Be Positive: Enneagram 3’s are naturally positive thinkers, so presenting things with a positive take will go a long way with them.
Feelings Check: Enneagram 3’s tend to move right past feelings. Help them stay a bit longer in emotion by asking them specifically how they feel.
Enneagram 4: The Individualist
Support Creativity: Enneagram 4 types need creative outlets, support them in their passions.
Big Feelings: Be patient when an Enneagram 4 needs time to process big feelings. They may retreat or need time to sort things out.
Tell Me Why I’m Special: 4’s often feel like there is something they are missing. Remind them often what unique things they bring to the world.
Acknowledge My Feelings: Feelings are a huge part of the inner world of a 4, be sure to acknowledge and ask about their feelings.
Room To Process: Give 4’s room to process, they are big internal processors and don’t respond well to being pushed to move on.
Enneagram 5: The Investigator
Clear Expectations: 5’s do best when expectations are made clear.
Details: Enneagram 5’s like to have knowledge, including all of the details.
Time to Process: Enneagram 5 types tend to retreat when a response or action is expected from them. Give them time to form their thoughts around something before you discuss it.
Physical Activities: 5’s are in their head most of the time, and can greatly benefit by getting into their bodies more with physical activity. Many 5’s do well exploring the mind and body connection through yoga.
Accept Help: 5’s are independent and may have a hard time asking for help. Affirm them when they do.
Enneagram 6: The Loyalist
Be Patient: Type 6’s can be very anxious and will require extra patience when they are caught up in worry.
Be a Safe Place: Don’t make fun or take lightly the concerns of a 6. Be a safe place for them to share honest concerns.
Be Trustworthy: Enneagram 6 types are naturally skeptical, be sure that they know they can trust you and that you are loyal to them.
Reassure Me: Gentle reassure a 6 when they are caught up in worst case scenario thinking. Let them know you have their back.
Verbally Processing: Type 6’s really need time to verbally process to work through things. Give them space to do so.
Enneagram 7: The Enthusiast
Support My Dreams: Innovative and creative thinkers, 7’s often have big plans and dreams. Support them and encourage them to dream big.
Expressing My Feelings: Enneagram 7’s have a tendency to reframe negatives into positives, but they need to be able to access hard emotions too. Encourage them to express all emotions.
Easy on the Expectations: Be careful with expectation with a 7, they will rebel against limits if they feel constrained.
Story Telling: 7’s offer entertaining stories, give them your full attention!
Be Flexible: Remember that Enneagram 7’s struggle with the mundane, give them space to be flexible and spontaneous when appropriate.
Enneagram 8: The Challenger
To The Point: Enneagram 8 types are direct communicators, they will not have patience for long, draw out conversations. Stick to the point.
Support Exercise: 8’s have a ton of physical energy, let them prioritize exercise to help manage this.
Be All In: Type 8’s want to know that you have their back. Be all in and reassure them that you won’t betray them.
Be Direct: Along with being direct, never go behind an 8’s back. They are especially sensitive to betrayal.
Be a Safe Space: Enneagram 8’s will find growth in opening up and exposing their softer side. Be a safe place to do so.
Enneagram 9: The Peacemaker
Don’t Interrupt: It can be hard for Enneagram 9’s to speak up, be sure that you don’t interrupt them when they have the floor.
Give Me Time: Avoid pressuring an Enneagram 9 to make decisions. Give them space and settle on a mutually agreeable deadline.
Encourage Me: Give 9’s encouragement when they speak up and offer their opinions and preferences. This can be hard for them to do.
Don’t Push Me: 9’s are possibly the most stubborn type of Enneagram. Do not push them, it will have the opposite effect.
Affirm Me: When a 9’s move independently, even in small ways, affirm them. Reassure them that independence does not mean a loss of connection.